Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
