And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
