I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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