Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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