What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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