That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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