Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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