I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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