I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
