I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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