i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
