The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
