i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry about my life...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you never un-have a 4some
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
