I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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