My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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