trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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