So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
