my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
