Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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