who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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