I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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