I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
