look no pants
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
