what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
