I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
