I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
