Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
