did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
