I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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