So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
