call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
