i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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