Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
