im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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