Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
