Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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