New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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