I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
