the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
