shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
