He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
