I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
