How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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