So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
