she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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