Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
