you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
