Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i dont even know how to be here
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
