I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
