She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
