Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
