I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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