I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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